In's and Out's for October 09'

I don't feel like explaining each topic, but here they are;

In's:
*Independence-y
*Home alone
*Packaged foods noodles/pasta
*Denial
*Blogging
*Amy Winehouse
*A Girl Called Eddy
*Sloppiness/Mess
*Expanding/UN-expanding
*Powder concealer
*Blurrness/Forgetting of Mr. TNM
*OGD (But it's sorta fading)
*Leaving it broken

Out's:
*Parents (They're away)
*Grandma :(
*Awkwardness/confrontation
*The Truth
*Schmojvmo
*Pre-calculus
*Mr. TNM
*Fruits/Vegetables/REAL FOOD
*Trying to mend things
*Laundry
*My brother
*Organization
*Consistency
*Eye-liner (I can't find it! D=)

This is what I see.

I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
So try and be cool
When I say
This way is a waterslide away from me
That takes you further every day.

The smile in your eyes, made some of the lies worth believing.

Its hard to wake up, when the shades have been pulled shut.

With every passing moment, it just keeps getting worse.

You want nothing when, you're trying to forget, the something that was everything.

So here I am at one in the morning, trying to be all heroic and rescue you…… the truth is, I’m the one that needs to be rescued.

Part ll

I want to stay sane. I want to feel better every second. I want to stay apart from you. That's the only way to be free. I don't want to speak to you. That's the only way to run and hide. I'd rather lose you than hold on, fall for you while in your opinion it's really nothing. If it's a habit, well I won't be it. I'm sorry, I just won't be the same. I'd rather not be your friend than ache from being your friend.

I'm just a child.

It's late. I'm tired. I still gotta clean. But I wanna write. My emotions are running quietly within the humming of the computer and unique sound of A Guy Called Eddy. Being alone makes me question my independence-y. Without the rents here, things are a mess, and I know not of my responsibilities. Procrastination gets the best of me, sleeping late is unavoidable, sleeping in's becoming a habit. I don't feel good about myself. How much more will it be when I'm on my own? I feel like a Godamn baby. I do. I little kid crying, kicking and screaming on the cold tiled floor. A stupid toddler who needs a hand to hold. A child whining for candy. What will I prove to anybody? To myself? I need a fuckin ruler to show me how to get my priorities straight? I need a fuckin time-stop for clock management? I need to grow some inches. Not wear some tall ass heels to show that I've grown. I want the real thing. I wanna be the real thing.

Simplicity is bold.

As you can see, my background is all white. Strangely, I like it that way.

When you were away.

If the McDonald's apple pie was to have a match against KFC's apple turn-over, then KFC's would win hands down. Like I'm not even kidding you. Ok, so enough about that. Well my parents departed a week early for the Philippines, and lemme tell you, the house is a pig-sty. My brother and I did some food shopping today, we mainly bought packaged stuff, well I did anyway. So, so, baaad. Therefore here is a list of things I must nail before the end or during the weekend (or as fast as possible, really). But there will be things listed that I just need to get done in general:

*Take clothes out of my bin, hang all clean clothes scattered everywhere.
*Organize jungle of a closet
*Get the dishes done and kitchen sparkle clean
*Try to clear away mess in the bathroom (And whatever that weird blue stain in the sink is)
*Collect all dirty laundry and wash them
*Work-out, gyming, and do ALL homework after school
*Wake up to alarm! (Why isn't it working? It's activated)
*Stop buying junk food
*Clean jungle of a room
*Buy notebook and index cards
*Pay for PSAT
*Assemble outfit before the morning to avoid rushing in the A.M.
*Get haircut done by Karen
*Get my priorities straight! (cause if I was on an alcohol test, I'd walk that line in circles. And not even perfect circles! Circles that look like shit.)

Like fuck, it's like waking up with a hangover in the morning. And even though I know this, somehow, I ain't stopping. I feel like I'm a drug addict or something, because my habits dominate me so much. I pass time, and let the stress come rolling on down later. Shiiit, all I wanna do is make music. Deep, deep, raw music. I don't know how imma make it. I know it's bad for me, but I go on with it like a well-oiled machine. And just to prove that to you, I'm probably not even going to follow through on this damn list. I'm no good for myself.

I heard love is blind when you don't want to see it.

Life hurts when you try to live it. Calamities have been flying in the air, but my feet are planted on the ground, and I'll keep my head here, I won't look up. Numbness in the clouds will filter the bad from the good. And I choose to ponder in good feelings for now. In other words, well, I'm shrugging the bullshit off my shoulder and just live. I ain't happy with my habits and the way I am, how I feel, how I look. But someday, I'll learn to love myself again.