A kiss, I wouldn't mind.

Which I should've gotten to that night. Ugh. So this is the slippery hill that I was eventually going to go through. Bright intentions but oh, slippery road ahead. Work is piling up. Stupid habits trigger this. I live within unhealthy habits. And all I wanna do is follow through from that night. I wanna talk to you. Yes, you were quite incredible, but I didn't take it personally then. And though your past isn't the greatest, I find myself not minding so much, as if I was taking a chance and not afraid to risk anything. You make me feel this warmth, this real good feeling when we're speaking in an intellectual way, and that is all I know. All I ever want to know. All I ever need to understand. It's safe to say, I wanna begin again with you. Get your hammock ready darling, I'm going to find you and fall right in your island, right on that red X treasure mark.

Wow, I got to know you!

So just for you, chubi. I'll tell you what the dealio is =] You walked in on us. But it's nothing suspicious, I swear! Though we were rather close, wouldn't you think so? You'd freak out or say ooh ahh if I told you he brushed the side of my eye or ran his fingers down the back of my neck. Which he did. But it was nothing suspicious, I swear! The eye thing was cause for some weird reason, he thought my eye make up was cute. The neck thing was him showing where I sent chills. I tried not to get sucked in so I replied with a simple ohh hehe. He's a kool guy, and that's really it! He kept asking me where I got my jeans at...at one point, he asked my my size and if he could fit in it. I stopped and looked at him with a serious expression. "Are you gay?" was all I said, and he, of course, denied it. Which was pretty funny. What was amazing though was when we were shooting hoops, he actually proved every single word he said right! I tried to shoot a basket, but failed miserably. He said I was trying, therefore, I missed. "The key is not trying" he said. So I did it grandma style, trying. And there went the ball, missing the rim. I watched him "not trying" grandma style, and the ball went in. So I shot the ball "not trying" but I already knew I'd miss without efforts. Amazingly though, it went in. And about everytime I "wasn't trying" the ball went in! And same with him...I thought it was pretty crazy. We discussed past loves, current loves, despite it being the first time we ever really talked to eachother. And I just sort of...opened up to him. But it was nothing suspicious, I swear! "You're hecka tight." he said, sitting down on the pavement with the ball in between his legs, "I could never have a conversation like this with those other girls in there." But it was a friendly statement, I swear of it. We also discussed future plans, goals, pursuing things, etc. "You remind me a lot of my Mom" Yikes. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It seemed like we could've been that way for hours. "If you think no one loves you, just remember Ngoc. That guy loves you to death." It was very amusing and hilarious. The whole time though, I could not see his face, which was close to mine. It was dark, but he could see me pretty good because the light was practically on me the whole time. He said I looked pretty when I sang, which is a total complete lie because I know I make these funny faces when I sing, even more when I get into it, "I think you should pursue it, you just look so into it when you sing" which was nice to hear...since I was thinking of putting singing aside the whole time because I just didn't know how to go after it. I told him I wished I was an independent person and how I was scared to be alone by myself after high school, the world could be a scary place. "We talked more tonight than we ever did in middle school" which was really quite true. He said he didn't like me then just because I looked like a snob and I said "You honestly never ran through my mind then, I never acknowledged you." Well it was the truth. He said if he had a phone, he would always hit me up. (Funny story of how he got in trouble, haha!) There was probably more, but I shall cut it here, for this is all that seems to compute in my head at the moment =] But I will say that our conversation was then interrupted upon the arrival of my mother. I brought him to the door with me where my mother and him shared an embrace and talked. He really is a nice guy, I would've liked him if the set up of things around us were different. He agrees with me on a lot of things...so, chubi, if you would like the personal info, I'll be happy to inform you on the details =] Toodles!

P.S. Oh and by the way, it was nothing suspicious, I swear! xD Teeheehee.

I liked tonight =]

You know, he's a preeetty kool guy ;p

Goodbye wrapped in shiny paper, just for you.

"And when she finally forgets you, don't you dare remember her."

"I feel like a jig-saw puzzle missing a piece and I'm not even sure what the picture should be."

"Things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon."

"Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you were moving on."

"I wanted to take my love back from him so badly. The old techniques didn’t work anymore. In fact, they’d never worked. How do you stop loving someone? It was one of the world’s more brutal mysteries. The more you tried, the less it worked."

"Your destiny is not tied to the people who walked away."

"Maybe crying is a means of cleaning yourself out emotionally. Or maybe it’s your communication of last resort; the only way to express yourself when words fail the same as when you were a baby and had no words."

"No love is bigger than the one which is given away - torn apart - and yet still, it remains."

"I might be stumbling a little on my way out, but I'm walking away... I'm moving on."

"I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. "

"You gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you've made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don't see them, you don't hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name . . . and the memories come flooding back."

"Perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because as it's been said, without reason and without prudence, the heart wants what the heart wants, and more often than not, it will not be denied."

"Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you're with?"

"In a perverse way, I was glad for the stitches, glad it would show, that there would be scars. What was the point in just being hurt on the inside?"

" It's better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it"

"She's been hurt many times before this. You'd think it would be routine by now. You'd think she wouldn't let it get to her."

"All of us search for love, but some of us, after we've found it, wish we hadn't."

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

"Let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. Surely there is someone out there
who will love you even more."

"He's holding back, cause he knows you're falling."

"Head over heart; I'm better off without you. Heart over head; I miss you."

And really, I just miss us.

So, part two of my emotional baggage release; the breaking up of my colleagues and I. I'll say the truth here and nothing but the truth. And I don't care anymore if this stirs up drama because having a blogspot is like asking for drama and our group is so fake that it really is starting to get on my nerves. We are all held together by a thin thread that only connects to all of our needs and selfish ways. We are not pure to each other, and WE WILL NEVER BE. (To All of us anyway) And if we are, it's either we are pure to one or two people at a time, and then as if it were a game, the wheel turns and we all switch to different "friends". I'm sick and tired of all the BS circulating around us. I hate all the stupid Anthony drama that you guys can't even settle for the sake of us, I hate all the things that made us change this year, I hate how we can laugh with each other but inside our minds, we know very well that we have problems with each other. I hate how we only turn to each other for big news or if there is some to tell, I hate how we try and try so hard to get over someone by turning to other guys or people for our own selfish needs and solace. Why can't we all just try to be happy on our own and with life and with the friends that God has given us? Why do we have to be in desperate need for someone to talk to or blog about in order to "get happy"??? In my opinion, in order to cleanse ourselves from unhealthy habits (whether it be coming back to a certain person, or talking shit about anyone, ANYTHING!) we have to be able to move on by ourselves before starting anew with someone else. Because what are you gonna do when there are no one left to turn to or find solace in? That same person who hurt you and who you're addicted to will be there in the back of your head, STILL. I hate this. I really do. And I've been bottling it up for days now, and I don't care what any of you think about this. I just have to get it out. And I hate how we try to get back at each other and retaliate, or how we always assume things and talk about what other people put on their blog....it's getting really sickening now. It's making me want to pull away. From everything. From everyone. And I hate how we always pretend to be "happy" or "over someone". I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I know my flaws. I know I can't get over the stupid Tim thing, and I'm admitting that. But at least I'm trying to get over him on my own and not through little schemes and rebounds. And if ever I do fall back on my knees, I admit it, instead of lie. Yeah so, if you're not over someone yet, WHO CARES?! It's the most natural, most normal thing in the world! And it's not necessarily good, but that's just the way it is. Because once you lie, you will make other people think otherwise and then you go get hurt because they do something while thinking you've moved on, and then you mope about it. So just...just let it out and voice yourself...tell them all how you really feel. And if you don't want to do that, then keep it to yourself, cause word gets around and the lesser we have of drama, the less we have to be fake about something. This doesn't apply to only one person, this applies to ALL OF US. I hate how you guys try to cover up what you really mean with fancy words. You think it's funny getting revenge on people and being fake to them at the same time? NO! IT'S NOT! That's just you stirring up more trouble and being a conniving bitch. We're supposed to be friends, so why are we doing this to each other? Sheesh man...how will we ever get through this? Things are not the same anymore, and whether we are strong enough to keep friendships with each other is no longer guaranteed. It's safe to say that we may never know each other anymore five-ten years from now or be in each other's lives. You think Katrina just left Alvarez for its boringness and the fact that she has a bf at North High? She left us because we were so fake. She didn't get too close to us because of our conniving, selfish, back-stabbing ways. That's the real reason why she didn't get too close to any of us (well not really me) That's the reason. I love you all I really do, but the drama is ruining everything. We barely hang out anymore, and I hate you guys changing because of a certain person or activity. I wouldn't be complaining about the changes if they were good, but the fact is, it isn't. You wanna know the truth? Our group is pure plastic. Sadly, the medicine is drained out from our attempts, there is no more cure.

Weakness is my weakness.

I don't know why I still feel like this...I wanna progress so much, to feel that I am strong. But, I'm weak, I know I am. I dream of the day that my dreams will sweep me off my feet and take me away from this mess I live in everyday. I'm trying to take the baby steps to cleansing myself from a ritual (call it a practice, if you will) that I've been trapped in, I was so set, so strong on my decision, but I surrendered yet again in the end. So I came home today, another after school with a heavy heart, came home lonely yet again. Because just as soon as you come around, I break down once again. My impulses win me over, like always. You're my drug, and there's no cure, you've made me crazy.

Aaaand, then some!

So I've been wanting to blog for like the past few days cause there's just a lot of stuffs that I really wanted to let out but I've been to busy...and now that I can actually blog, I kinda forgot all that I wanted to say =\ So today, I worked football concessions, I loveeeed it. So tiring not sitting down for seven straight hours but I don't mind because I get those hours =] And I went to the gym with Conrad the other day and didn't come home until night time and didn't have my phone with me so you can probably guess that I got in major trouble there. So my thighs were really sore from that and there was this cramp in my foot everytime I took a step. I looked like a penguin trying to wobble everywhere, hehe. So right now...I just took a brave step and just...got rid of him. Well I'm partly alright but mostly blank...idk what I just did. Hopefully it will do me some good, I mean part of the reason why I did it was because with him there, I kept hurting. I'll always be attached to you, my darling. But I refuse to be attached to you any longer if our hearts can never be together, and you go on holding someone else's hand. So now's the time, I love you but I'm more than set to go. Gotta fight this, gotta fight you. I always let my impulses take over and in the end, it leaves me with nothing and I'm left sulking all over again. I wasted all my time on you, and yet, I can still manage to say that I'll always be addicted to you. You should at least give me that.

The need to, really.

After school today was alright, I offered my eyebrows to Ann because she was craving to pluck someone's eyebrows. Stayed around for awhile, why, i wouldn't know. But when I came home, I felt pretty down...like out of nowhere I just did. Life has been depressing me lately =| But then I remembered about my orthodontist appt. so me and my mom were tryna rush there by 425, but there was construction EVERYWHERE, no joke, like literally. And then there was traffic everywhere. BRILLIANT, so that turned out just peachy! Aha, not...Well we got there, and suddenly, my mom busts out my demo so they can play it in the whole stinkin' office! Really, imagine that, people listening to my retarded voice as they got their braces/retainers/teeth checked! Anyways, chit-chated with the employees, went home, felt better (which I don't know why). So after that, we drove home and stuffs, John and Trina came over. Did chem hw, and what stinks was that my keyboard wasn't working so I stayed at Katrina's house until eleven something just typing my essay and stuffs...Well I felt...haha idk. And I didn't even get to finish all my damn hw! This sucks DuckPussy!

I'm sorry, John.

I'm sorry for trying to ditch you today. I'm sorry for yelling at you at the tables today. I'm sorry for yelling at you inside the hallway today. I'm sorry for yelling at you outside the hallway today. I'm sorry for yelling at you at the gate today. I'm sorry for yelling at you at the lockers today. So yeah...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it =) I still love you! (Though you can get pretty weird and retarded sometimes).

In's and out's for Sept. 09'

What do I mean by In's and Out's, you mean? For every beginning of the month (or during, if it's late notice, like this one) I will be doing an In's and Out's update concerning what it is that's going on around that time. So what's In for me? Artifact number one; eye-liner. And idk, maybe it's part of my growing up phase, but I find myself feeling hideous or naked without it on lately. I never was a make-up person, nor did I care if I had some on or not. But lately, it's become a must. I've also been getting into dangling earrings lately, but I don't feel like addressing the topic at the moment. Then there's the whole finding someone thing. Before, I didn't really care if I was single or not, I always felt like I could wait. But I guess you could say I'm more open now? Envy and curiosity. That's another thing. (Now an in or out doesn't necessarily have to be bad or good, it goes both ways, vice versa) I've always been drama free with my group, no matter how much drama was circulating within all of us. But now I can't even look at her without observing, understanding why she's so draw-capable, this is not good. I won't let anything bad arise from this, oh no I won't. So moving on from that, I can also say that I'm moving along and pushing on from anything I dwelled on for too long during the past years of my high school life, can't let all that be about my high school years. Whether it be specific boys, habits, styles, grades, I'm throwing out whatever doesn't do anything for me, anything that I don't get anything out of (so many anything's hehe). Humanities, I've realized, is my thing. Well the direction I shall take in college, anyway (if my dreams don't pull through in time or at all). So that's also one of the In's lately. New peers. YAY! =P I love gaining new friends! (Only downside is that my old friends and I are way too busy to make time for each other anymore =/) Oh and blogging! My blogspot has existed for a long time now, I just chose this time to touch it, therefore, it now functions =] Sandwiches with that one special cheese (idk what it's called), I'm really into. Yummm ^-^ Erika, you're not the only one anymore =D Hehe. Well what about the Out's? (some outs don't necessarily mean that it's out of my life, just that I really loathe it) Firstfirstfirst, no more white chocolate blended with macadamian nuts for me, no sir! Dx My girls and boys would know what I'm talking about ;) Yes, that's right, I don't need it, I don't need you. Math&Science can eat cack. I hate it! They're my worst subjects! And math is getting in the way of my straight A's for this year (my attempt, anyway). Typed labs and John at my house lately, I mean, I love you John I really do, but I am sick and tired of this godamn lab! Good-for-nothing nonsense in my life, yes, I'm working to get rid of it all. It's the same as what I put in the In's. So scroll up if you need to. Sleeping at around 3am. Been sleep deprived lately, which is not good for a person like me who is actually trying to focus on school and school only this year! D= My privlige. I'm sad to say that I have not found a caller yet, hence, I cannot go out for lunch...YET. There's still hope, right?! Dx Procrastination. Haaate it. Ok, I followed through with the "no procrastinating this year" resolution for the first week or so days of school. But why is it back to last year's habits?! Yes, I'm geting my tasks done, but in poor time management state, which is no good because if you think about it, I'd have to stay up real late, get ready for school with less time, and gahhh it just won't work out! Well...that should do it for September's In's and Out's. Stay tuned for next month's! Toodles. =)

What do you do when there are no more words left to say? Because it was understood that time has long gone and that it was finally ok to move on. I think I'm on that edge with you. Today was the first day that I was really letting you go, genuinely. I felt lighter, I felt like I could breathe, like the whole world was my stage. And I didn't have to worry about you anymore. It's time for me to worry about myself. I hope that I'll never have those impulses again...we're better off on our own. And today, I think you're thinking the same, because you were the first one to depart, and you never came back like you always did before. I'll admit, I was a bit surprised, but I was neutral about it. I'm ok with it :) Are we really closing this book? Are we leaving each other alone for good? I wish to never come back to square one with you, because while it's pleasing to feel your gaze on me, and your chemistry still boiling after these years, I know our ends will never meet, our hearts will never come together, and in the end, it only left me sad with a broken heart. Because I wanted you, I really did. I'm not sure if you saw it as a joke, but I was always for real. Always for real with these feelings...feelings I had for you.